how and when to send condolences?
Whether you've been on one side or the other of a tragedy, it's never easy to find the right words to express sympathy and support to someone who's going through a bereavement - whether it's the loss of a loved one or *simply* a life change...
With the fear of upsetting, adding to or not saying the right thing getting the better of us, it sometimes seems easier just to keep quiet and let things pass. And that's okay. There's no obligation to be present. It's a gesture that has to be made from the heart, not because "it's the way it's done".
A sincere thought, however imperfect
, is worth a thousand times more than a message of convenience.
what to say in such cases?
Unfortunately, there's no magic formula. No words can erase the pain. But acknowledging what someone is going through, offering your support and reminding them that they're not alone, goes a long way.
Some food for thought :
1 - Recognize that it's absolute crap.
"I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It must be really scary/It's terrible/It sucks. Just know that I'm here for you, you're not alone. Call me anytime, if you need to talk."
2 - Allow them to grieve
"Words are never enough at times like this. But I wanted to tell you that my heart goes out to you."
3 - Share a memory
"I will treasure the moments I was lucky enough to share with _____."
"Your _____ was a radiant person. I will always remember her smile that could brighten even the gloomiest of days."
4 - Offer specific help
"Let me take care of you by taking the dog out. I'll take the opportunity to tend to your garden at the same time."
"I can order sushi for tonight if you'd like."
5 - Leaving space while being present
"Don't make yourself answer me now. I'll check back in a few days."
If possible, avoid :
Make comparisons: I had a cat that died
Try to make things positive: Everything happens for a reason
Relax: you'll be fine, you're a resilient person.
The most important thing is to be there - even from a distance - and to stay true to yourself.
There's no need to overdo it. If you're a rather formal person, it's only natural that your card should be too. Conversely, if you're more relaxed and laid-back, your message can reflect this personality trait. There's no right or wrong way to express yourself; what matters most is that the bereaved person feels your support.
If you didn't know the family very well, or if you didn't know the deceased very well but still wish to express your condolences, a simple card with a short message may be enough to convey your thoughts, without having to write a long text.
This option is suitable in many situations, for example if the deceased was a colleague you knew by name, or someone you bumped into from time to time in the neighborhood. Just make sure you include your full name, so the person knows who the message is from.
Don't tell yourself you have to say a lot. A simple "I'm truly sorry for your loss", or some variation, may suffice.
All ways of expressing condolences are valid - call, card or SMS. The choice depends on the situation and what you're most comfortable with. What really matters is that the bereaved person feels you're there, not the exact form it takes.
When it comes to timing, there are no hard and fast rules.
If, for example, you learn of someone's death six months ago, you can send a letter or message to say that you've only just heard, and express your sympathy. It can also happen that we don't feel comfortable expressing our feelings right away, and that we need time to put the words down. That's okay.
Grief lasts well beyond the funeral or memorial service. Your card may well come at a time when the bereaved need it.
And as the Americans would say: KISS - Keep It Sensitiveand Simple.